I don’t know what I was expecting when my mom died. Maybe a trumpet sound? Maybe a world-wide moment of silence to acknowledge her death? I’m not exactly sure.
All I know is death is much quieter than I expected.
And this is why…
Everyone has a volume. Some of our voices are quiet; some are comfortably neutral; and some are really loud. The impact of our volume depends on the closeness and frequency of our connection, how our personality interacts with others, both for good and not so good.
When my mom was alive, her voice was deafening. She was opinionated and extremely vocal about her beliefs. She had the strongest, most iron-clad, you-ain’t-gonna-sway-me resolve that I’ve ever encountered. She rarely pondered aloud, and she handled even casual discourse as serious debate. Being more sensitive, most of the time growing up I’d rather go into hiding than be swallowed alive in a conversation. So, I turned down the volume on my mom, and I stopped listening to her voice. I didn’t ask any questions. Sadly, I wasn’t even curious.
My generation touts open-mindedness as the opposite of ignorance and prejudice. We hold it as a trophy of collective growth and development. But, maybe remaining open, just for the sake of being open, isn’t so evolved. Maybe blind openness is worse than ignorance; maybe it’s the cause of the world’s confusion and discourse. We, “the open-minded”, are very loud; but we’re equally unsure.
We leave Italy to wander the sea in search for another Rome.
I saw my mom’s personality as rigid and closed-minded. But now that she’s gone and I can’t hear her side of the argument, I’m questioning if I got her all wrong.
Maybe what I saw as closed-mindedness wasn’t that at all. Maybe it was confidence over the fact that she’d already found the answers to her questions; and I just hadn’t yet. Would I rather that she was quiet about her findings? Would I rather have a blindly open mother?
Heck, no.
I muted my mom when she was alive because I mistook her abrasiveness for a lack of knowledge. When really, it was I who was lacking. By turning down the volume when she was here, I missed the twenty-three years of experience she had on me. And now with her gone now, I’m left to ponder her convictions without the benefit of asking her, “Why?”
I want to push the rewind button, so I can listen to her wisdom. But I can’t. I’ve lost my opportunity. And, unfortunately, I find my mom’s silence to be the loudest sound she’s ever made.
But this morning, as I thought seriously about what I’d ask my mom if she were still here, I realized that, like she did, I already know the answers to the major questions of origin, faith, and purpose. So, maybe I don’t really need my mom’s advice after all; maybe I’m just missing her and want to talk with her again. Maybe I just need to free myself to stand firmer in my own resolve.
Perhaps I’m already in Rome.
Honest and insightful. Your mom and my dad are a lot alike. Thank you for the wisdom, Lori.
This is a gorgeous post. I absolutely love it. And because she was loud and opinionated does not mean she had it all figured out. I can tell you this first hand because I am in serious need of a volume button (to adjust down) and have less than zero filters most of the time. And between you and me, I have a lot more questions than answers. But don’t tell my his and, mom or kids.
. Sounds to me like you are just a strong as she was. You just have a different approach! 
. Hugs! Joanna
This post made me cry b/c my dad who passed was like this as well. When in Rome…xo
Awww. I’m sorry it made you cry.
I’d love to hear your thoughts about your experience, if you ever feel like sharing. It’s complicated, right?
hugs to you…
Lori, you never cease to amaze me!
You are processing so many things about your mom’s death, and it is humbling to be included in such a beautiful journey.
I feel the same about you and your journey, Denise. We’re blessed to walk these roads together. With you all the way.
Thank you for sharing this. Your honesty is so beautiful & powerful. I’m sorry to hear that you’re missing her, but I’m glad to see you processing it so courageously. This is also a good reminder for those who still have parents around on earth to not try to turn the volume down too much. Prayers for you. **hugs
Thank you for your prayers and virtual hugs.
Yes, it’s tricky to strike a healthy balance between working out the real issues in our relationships and openly loving and accepting each other.
Even though I’ve learned a lot about love during my mom’s illness and death (and how unloving I was with my resentment), I still struggle with how to apply the painful wisdom in my current relationships.
I do know that the more I worship the Lord and get closer to him, the easier it is to love the way he does. In my own power and reasoning, I find it simply impossible to sustain a loving connection. But then again, it’s not OUR love we’re intended to share, right?…
It’s the love of Jesus (Spirit). (1 Corinthians 13)
Awesome post. Already in Rome. Yes, I believe you are. Blessings, Diane
Thanks… How are you? I miss connecting with you.