Last week, I received a beautiful sympathy card from a dear friend’s mother. The moment I started reading it, I started bawling. The sadness wasn’t because I knew this woman really well. The tears were because she was openly sharing her motherly love with me. And now I don’t have a mother.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I need my mom.
For various reasons, I became extremely self-reliant early in life. I always kept my mom at a polite distance, pushing down my natural need of my mother’s love. But when she was diagnosed with brain cancer, the walls I had built were immediately torn down. What I saw through the rubble of my wall amazed me. In fact, besides when I first entered recovery and took a full inventory of my past mistakes (big ouch), the experience of my mom’s love was the most humbling moment I have ever experienced.
Because I held on to deep resentment, most of which was unconscious, I only had 3 ½ months of a truly open and loving relationship with my mom. And now I’m swimming with regret and I’m left missing something I never knew I needed.
During the last months of my mom’s life, we were blessed to share a wonderful mother, daughter relationship. But, as quickly as it came, it left. And now I can’t close the lid on my emotions. I can’t block her out. My daughter’s heart has been broken open to the love of my mom, and she’s not here to fill it anymore. And since there’s no more resentment, there’s nothing left to rebuild my wall. I’m left open and extremely vulnerable.
I’ll never know what would have happened if I’d become aware of my resentment earlier. Maybe my mom and I would have enjoyed decades of a close, loving relationship, like the one we had for those last months of her life. Or, maybe we would have remained comfortably distant, but with open hearts enjoying whatever level we could have gained through understanding and forgiveness. Since she’s gone, I’ve been relegated to her sweet phone messages telling me how much she loves me. I wish I could talk to her again and tell her how sorry I am. But, sadly, a thousand apologies wouldn’t cover the years of missed opportunities.
There’s a reason I’m compelled to share the regret I have with my mom. I hope someone reading my story will recognize herself in me, and will be inspired to open up the old vaults to her mom, or dad, spouse, or possibly an old friend; even if the process of opening old wounds ends not with a closer relationship, but with simply being freed from the anchor of resentment. When someone we love dies, we’ll never regret loving them. And knowing we took full responsibility for our part of the relationship gives us the freedom to love on any level of closeness.
As I move forward with God’s help, I pray not only for healing, but for the wisdom to know when to build a wall…and when to build a bridge instead.
Here’s to no more regrets.
I’d love to hear your thoughts or wisdom about resentment.
This is so true and beautiful. xo
Thank you…
I understand. My mom passed recently too. Thank you for sharing your grief. With God’s help we will both make it through this valley. And yet, you are still pouring out love to others. You are blessed.
Yes, we’ll make it through this valley together. Again, I’m so sorry about your mom. I know you’re hurting along with me. Comfort to you…
Lori, I was just thinking about and praying for you this morning, wondering how you’re doing. Your thoughts are always so poignant and touch and teach of us in special ways. I pray that you don’t spend one more moment with regret, though, for looking backward only blinds us from seeing the beauty in every moment that still lies ahead of us. God works through us with twisting roads and turns throughout our lives, and perhaps you had this particular experience of being distant and then re-connecting with your mom so that it would bring you to this deeper understanding and ability to share His message of forgiveness and reconciliation. Sometimes we have to crawl through the valley to find the epiphany on the other side. A smooth path rarely brings such enlightenment. I’m positive that you only had to say your apology to your mom once, and it was as good as saying it thousands of times. I also firmly believe that you still have your mom, and that this long-distance time apart is really very short before you and your entire family throughout the generations will be together again. I pray that you feel her spirit there on your shoulder, drying your tears, and celebrating every joyous moment forward at your side.
Lisa, you’ll never know how deeply your words have touched my heart. I’ve read your comment over and over. What beautiful words of encouragement. Thank you, my friend.
Lori,
Although I don’t know you except through your blog and our e-mails, you’ve talked some about you, and about your mom. From what I’ve heard, I believe your mom knew your heart, and as she is at peace in her Lord, she would want you to know she is at peace with you, too. Just the love. The years in between are as if they never were – like old friends who don’t see each other for years and resume where they left off – you are the baby she gave birth to and the baby she died loving with her whole heart. Which doesn’t help you missing her, I know. Please forgive if I have overstepped by being too personal – but this really is what I have heard through your posts.
Regarding resentment. For me, I always gave resentment a fight…choosing benefit of the doubt. At one point, repeated abuses and frustration (beyond my marriage) tipped the scale, and I chose resentment, nurtured resentment and embraced resentment. It has been so much harder to unlearn than it was to learn. I have found the cliche that resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person(s) to die, to be absolutely true. Forgiveness, for ME not for them, has been key. And ME forgiving ME most of all. I recommend the book “Forgive For Good” by Dr. Fred Luskin. It took the shoulds and oughts out of forgiving, and provided steps and philosophy to get me past wanting to forgive, but being unable to.
Blessings to you, Lori. Here’s to no regrets!!
Diane
Diane, you never overstep with me. I always love reading your thoughts and insights. Thank you for sharing. I like your distinction between resentment and forgiveness, and I agree with the poison aspect. I was definitely poisoning myself…unfortunately, I spread it to my mom, too.
Your situation is very complex and you’ve worked diligently to process through it and make the right choices. I admire your hard work to discover what’s right. I’m with you all the way.
Your comment meant a lot to me, as always. Love to you.
Thank you for sharing your deep feelings…when I read your words I had tears because ‘I’ am your mother and my daughter is ‘you’…I don’t mean that I am dying. I only mean that I wonder if my daughter will feel somewhat as you when I do die. While we have a relationship it is strained…We were close for so many years until late teens and I feel she lost ‘respect’ for me because of what she perceived my weaknesses were (namely depression) . She changed and we no longer shared like we once did and I long for that but I fear it will never be ….I will keep your post …why I’m not sure….but maybe you know ?? Diane
Diane, maybe we should process this further together. We might discover some big areas of healing. Feel free to email me and we can communicate more easily. Loving thoughts to you.
Hi Lori . If you are so inclined I just did a post related to what I commented on…Diane
http://hometogo232.wordpress.com/2013/02/16/mysteries-of-relationships/
Lori…When I re-read what I wrote….I felt it was very insensitive of me…. Your pain and grieving is so fresh…. You had that 3 1/2 months with your mother and I would imagine that it was so special to her….such a wonderful time to have together even in the midst of such a sadness too..May God give you a peace that you gave her a most precious gift in that time spent….Diane.
Diane, please don’t apologize. Your comment about your daughter was so open and vulnerable. I’m glad you expressed how you felt in response to what I wrote. I felt a close connection to you because of what you shared, and I hope and pray that you and your daughter find new healing in your relationship. It’s so easy to forget we’re not just mothers and daughters, we’re women who have hurts and feelings and experiences that are separate from the mother/daughter relationship. I had the chance to see my mom through other people’s lenses. I got to see her as a woman, not just my mom.
I pray good things will happen from this powerful stirring you have with your daughter.
Lori, our pastor said something nice at the end of the service at my dad’s funeral, like if there was any regrets or hurts open from our side or from his side, they are all gone and we have not to worry any more everything is forgiven. It is hard to translate. It made me feel good even though I do not have regrets, I always loved him and he knew it I told him often when I lived far away from him. He was always a wonderful father to us. As the pastor also said and I love this: Nobody whom you love is away, Love is always present. Again my translation might not be great but I am sure you know what I mean. It made me realise again that it is so very important to show our love openly and tell your loved ones always. Communicate and be honest with everybody then we won’t have regrets. God is forgiving and your mum surely cherished the month you had so closely with her. Our love for them will alwyas be there. Big warm hug from Ute
Thanks for sharing this, Ute. I’m so glad you had such a good relationship with your dad and that you have no regrets with him. What a blessing…
Yes, the love is still there.
Hugs to you.
Lori, your honesty and vulnerability are such a treasure. Your words always touch my heart in the most incredible ways.
Resentment has had a strangle hold on me for many years and it’s taken a long time to recognize it. I work on it, and look to your example to help me move forward.
You were incredibly brave and recognized yours in time to have that window of time with your mom. It wasn’t nearly long enough, but I have a feeling it was exactly what your mom needed right then. And in time, it will become ‘enough’ for you, too. In the rawness of now, though, it must be so hard. My heart aches for you and the struggle you are going through. I will continue to hold you up in prayer and love.
Thanks, Denise. I know God will use my regret for good. He’s already pulling down some other walls I hadn’t realized before. I see that ‘ve good at wall building in my life. Sometimes walls are necessary. Resentment is not, though. I now see there’s a big difference. Thanks for your prayers…I count on them.
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Hi Lori, I nominated you for the “Very Inspiring Blogger Award”. You are so honest in your writing – it helps me be honest with myself about what is going on in my life. You are a very bright light in many dark places, God bless you! Here is the link: http://dianarasmussen.com/2013/02/18/very-inspiring-blogger-award-thank-you/
Thank you…I’m very honored. I’m glad you’re able to be honest with yourself. It’s the most liberating moment, yes? To look squarely at all our failures.
I hope and pray we can continue to look at ourselves through the lens of God’s grace.
Hi Lori: Your post is very moving. It will certainly become an inspiration to other readers. Talking about inspiration. Congratulations on the Very Inspiring Award. Take Care.
Thank you, Seeker.
Hi,
I have a quick question about your blog, would you mind emailing me when you get a chance?
Thanks,
Cameron
cameronvsj(at)gmail.com
Hello, Cameron. Please feel free to send me an email at my listed address.