It was a bright and sunny day about a year and a half ago. I was alone with my mom in the car on the way to my grandma’s funeral. Sorrow and my mom’s perfume mixed in the air with the smell of leather seating. She put on a Celtic praise cd and put on a song entitled, “Garments of praise”. I looked over and saw how, at age 65, my mom was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.
“I want this song played at my funeral.” She said.
“Mom, stop it. Don’t say things like that.” I immediately replied. I hated it when she’d make statements like that.
She answered, “Well, I just thought you’d want to know.”
Her comment scared me, which made the grief for my grandma more complicated.
Who knew how quickly her request would be called in.
Then she turned up the volume higher than I thought she ever would, a signal for me to stop talking, and I watched the familiar tears began to fall down her face as she sang along.
I often remember my mom crying while she worshipped. I never did understand why.
It’s been almost three weeks since my mom died, and as I hide under the sheets in bed listening to that same song with those yearning, Celtic bagpipes, I immediately go back to that warm ride in the car. And then quickly my mind takes me back to a few weeks ago when I was at my mom’s hospital bedside. I held her hand firmly in mine as we stared at each other listening to our song again.
“Remember this song, Mom?” I said as I leaned in closely. She nodded slightly with the little strength the brain cancer hadn’t yet taken. Those 30 minutes of worship alone with my mom were the most sacred minutes of my life. They are as precious to me as the day my children were born. After decades of being in church together, I knew this would be our last worship time with each other; this would be our last moments of anything together. And I knew if she had one last request, she would have asked to worship the Lord.
And then I flash to when she lost consciousness for the last time and I worshipped alone, singing the words as she did, with tears in my eyes and with the deepest longing I’ve ever known. Oh, how I wished she’d open her eyes just one more time. I never had a beautiful singing voice like she did, but I sang with unguarded sorrow, knowing she was truly on her way to the One she longed for her entire life. Her tears were being wiped away forever; never again would she sing praises with an aching heart. As her longing was being fulfilled, mine was growing deeper.
Being on this side of her life, where I have to play old phone messages to hear her voice, I think I understand what all her worship tears were about. It’s beyond desire; it’s a homesickness that earth can never satisfy. It’s an impossible need that, try as I might, can’t be fulfilled this side of Heaven.
But, I know one day it will be.
I miss you, Mom. I can just imagine your joy now…
Here’s a link to the song, “Garments of Praise.”
Hi Lori….I love this story….really touched my heart. Love and miss you dearly! Hope to see you this week
Miss you, too, Michelle. I hope we can connect up soon…
Such a special post…hugs to you! xo
What a beautiful, hopeful song along with a beautiful post. Interesting, as your mom was being birthed into heaven and when your children were being birthed on earth….those were your two most precious moments.
Glad to hear from you. Praying for you.
What a great connection, Lisa. I hadn’t thought of it like that. I think that’s the second time you’ve reminded me about my mom being ‘birthed’ into heaven. The other time was when I described the pain of losing her as similar to the pain of childbirth. Thanks for reminding me…Yes, I think it’s an interesting connection. There’s something to it, for sure.
I feel both your grief and your hope, and I pray that the Lord will fill you with his perfect presence and comfort. Judy
Thank you, Judy. Yes, God’s presence IS the peace I feel. Thank you for your prayers.
What a lovely post, such a touching story of love. Thank you for continuing to share of yourself with us, Lori.
Celtic music is so emotional… I can see why you both like this song.
Thank you, Lori, for sharing such a special link between you and your mom.
Thank you, Denise…
It’s a beautiful song…and one you will always have memories when you listen to it …memories that bring sadness now will turn to memories of happiness in time…Diane
Thank you for that reminder. As I cry only in pain right now, your words give me a lot of hope. Blessings to you…
As I read your story and the comments I can feel you sorrow. God has blessed with you many reminders and happy memories of your mother to comfort you. May you not only remember your mother but feel the presence of God in all of your memories.
Patty, thank you. I am definitely feeling God’s presence in those precious memories with my mom. Wise words, my friend. Thank you…
This brought tears to my eyes. I’m so blessed to read these stories of your Mom’s faith and the love that you had for her. I am saying a prayer for you now, that you’ll continue to experience your grief with honesty and courage, as you clearly have been. Thank you for sharing your courage with us. <3
Wow. I hadn’t thought of any of this as courage. I’m broken up most of the time. So, if there’s anything redeeming in sharing it, I’m glad. I know it helps me when others process honestly. I suppose that’s most of the reason I write. It pains me to think of others feeling alone in their pain. Thanks for all your kind messages. You’ve been so supportive…
I just realized that I typed “the love that you had for her,” but it’s clearly a present-tense love, so I shouldn’t have written “had.” My apologies. That is not the type of love that can slip into the past — I’m sure your love will go on into eternity when you will see her again. Hugs.
No worries, I don’t know how to say it half the time either. It’s awkward, I know. Is/was, it’s tricky. What I know for sure is the love we ‘had’ will continue. That’s all that matters.
Thanks for your sensitivity, though.
What a wonderful post. You are so blessed to have a Mother that you have so much love for. I also save all my fathers messages on my cell phone he leaves for me so when he is gone I will be able to hear his voice. Thank you for sharing.
Hi Becki,
Thank you for stopping by my blog and for your kind words. I’m glad you have phone messages from your dad – hearing my mom’s voice is very sade, but extremely comforting. Is your dad sick?
You are a STRONG woman, Lori! It isn’t what we go through that shows our strength, it is how we come out of it! You have come out of so many hard things, still believing, still loving, and still keeping your eyes on God! Great will be your blessing! Great will be your recovery! When satan attacks, as he has you, it is like accruing interest on our faithfulness with God! Those who go through the most always get beyond the best of what they even hoped for! You are a precious heart!! You always touch mine with your writing and you faithfilled outlook! Blessings! Juliana
Beautiful post…really touching and full of love.
From my wife Susie and I…much love and many blessings to you…what a truly wonderful open soul post…thank you for sharing those moments between your Mom, yourself, and our Lord with us…you are one very special woman…and I believe your Mom is very proud…be encouraged!
Wow. Thank you, Stephen. Your comment really means a lot to me.
You deserve it…and more…be encouraged!
I’m always encouraged by you…thank you.
That is a good thing…may I always have that effect on you and everyone else…be encouraged!
I read Ute’s comments, and noticed yours. I sit here with tears in my eyes as I read and listen to your post. It is lovely, and the music changes, and lifts our spirits! I’m so sorry your lost your mother at such a young age. God bless.
Marsha Lee
Can I come and sit with you awhile? I am so sorry for your loss, I totally understand. I recently lost both my mom and my mother-in-law this past year. Some days are ok, and other days I don’t even get dressed. I know this grief thing is a process, and they are dancing with Jesus, but my heart just aches sometimes. May the Lord hold us both tonight. Thank you for sharng your heart…
Oh my goodness. Yes, you can some sit with me. I cried as I read your comment. I’m so, so sorry for the loss of your mom and mother-in-law. I obviously don’t know any of the details, but I can feel the pain in your writing. It’s such a hard process, and the more I try to short-cut it, the more pain I cause myself. As someone who is learning how to grieve well, I have found the best way route is straight through. I lost my father-in-law and wonderful grandma last year, so losing my mom was beyond what I thought I could take. But, the Lord is good. He knows everything we go through, he sees it coming, and he’s always there for us. I pray for his presence to wrap around you in each moment. I’m so glad we found each other during this time in our lives. What a blessing. Keep in touch with me. Please feel free to email me directly. Hugs to you. Remember to care of your health first. I’ll do the same.
Pingback: Mom…. « Clark Kent
Your peace about your mom is both encouraging and very inspiring to me. Thank you for expressing yourself so freely. It gives me permission to continue to do the same.
I updated my Mom post and tracked it to this post as it pointed to what inspired me to write it.. Sending love JumpingLori!
or LaraClouds! 
No matter which one you are among the stars my friend!
Trackback:http://wp.me/s2ML45-mom
I’m so blessed by you. Your mom must be one proud mama to have such a deep and loving child. Thank you…
I feel her wings when I am on the right path.. so I have to say I am treasured with such a gift of knowing. As you should be as well!
thank you for inspiring the connection to be written as I felt it!
Pingback: Mom…. | Clark Kent