My stomach is a nervous storm as I sit on my parent’s porch reflecting on the past 3 ½ months with my mom. I’ve written her eulogy and will be delivering it at her memorial service today. It’s been 10 days since she died and her vacancy has become more pronounced. Her life and presence have been replaced with her death and absence, and they’ve become the elephant in the room everywhere we go. They were with us at one of our family’s favorite restaurant last night. They were with us on the walk to Pinkberry, one of her all-time joyous walks with her grandchildren. This unwelcomed elephant has become part of our family, and we don’t like it.

I can no longer trick myself into thinking my mom’s out shopping or watching a football game. Too many family gatherings have happened without her for such trickery. The truth is she’s gone and the bubble wrap that’s buffered our reality is slowing being replaced with a cold permanence. It’s an awful, sick, desperate feeling that demands to be dealt with. The loss of appetite, increased concern for my dad, sadness that my brother and his family will be leaving soon, and the knowledge that life must go on without my mom are all converging at once. It feels too soon and too big to handle all of it, and yet I need to face it.
I keep picturing my mom during her last days in the hospital. When I’m alone and thinking about her I can almost feel her hand in mine and picture the sweet, vulnerable look in her eyes as we worshipped the Lord to her favorite praise music. She couldn’t speak but I could tell in her eyes we were in another spiritual realm together. I’ve never completely emptied myself into another person like that. I’ve never felt such oneness. As hard as it is to accept that this entire brain cancer thing happened, I will hold on to the experience with my mom with everything I have.

As with every hard stage of life, I’ve written to keep sane. It calms me and keeps me grounded even when I feel like I’m going to lose it. Today officially marks the ending of our family’s Golden Era. But for now, I’ll trust the Lord to give me the words to honor my mom…

I’ve included some of the photos I took of her bouquet and I’ll end with the poem I wrote for her. My mom always loved my flower photographs and poems. Who knew one day I’d use them for her funeral.

While my heart was at peace

And my spirit felt no fear,

I heard every word you spoke

And felt the pain in your tears

Your healing prayers were answered

I’ve been washed and made new,

I stand with Jesus in perfect love

And watch my legacy live on through you

Though our time seemed cut short

Thirty more years wouldn’t seem enough,

In the midst of it all I was blessed to know

How very much I’m loved

Don’t be angry with God

Or think your prayers didn’t work,

God’s ways are not our ways

Let Him bring good from your hurt

If Jesus had asked me

If I’d suffer for one lost soul,

I would have volunteered for all of this

So one more could be made whole

As you sang at my bedside

There was something you could not see,

A choir of angels was joining in praise

As they lovingly ministered to me

You know how I longed for Jesus

To finally be with Him,

Know that every word you spoke and smile you shared

Played a part of ushering me in

In the midst of your suffering

I ask what you will do,

With the love and truth

I shared so boldly with you

Look around you

There’s so much more to do,

Others need the love of Jesus

They long for what I knew

Allow the sadness to strengthen your heart

Become a vessel for God’s love to flow,

Someday you’ll see what I see

And know the beauty I know

Learn what I learned

And tell the stories I told,

I’ve passed the torch to you

Please don’t let it grow cold

So, water the seeds I planted

And plant some of your own,

Remain faithful to God every day

Until, like me, He brings you home.

You must dust off

And continue the fight,

Until the day He comes back

And makes all things right

I’ve completed my work

I’m finally home where I belong,

To my family and dear loved ones

I joyfully say, “Finish strong!”

I love you, Mom….