In a few hours my family and I will bury my mom. It’s surreal to write those words. How can that be? I find I’m still quite numb and shocked. As I sit holding my mom’s blanket and remembering when I made it for her and my dad, I’m overwhelmed with the feeling of being orphaned. It’s an emptiness I’ve never felt before. It’s like someone blew up my heart and I can’t find the center.
Watching my mom die has made one thing very clear: relationships are all that matter in this world. Running around making money, landgrabbing for power, building our egos, and collecting stuff are wastes of time. Achieving financial goals, worrying about the future, and holding on to grudges will be our greatest regrets in this life. When I held my mom’s hand and stared into her dying eyes I wasn’t thinking about anything except how precious she was. Even though she could no longer swallow or speak, her eyes told me everything I needed to know. I love you. And I know you love me. And because of that my heart is broken but in perfect peace.
When my mom was first diagnosed with brain cancer I clearly saw the choice I had to make: move closer to her or start backing away in self-protection. I can’t tell you how grateful I am that I made the conscious decision to open myself to this pain. I knew the risk. I was aware of the odds. And just as I thought, I’m completely leveled by her death. There are moments when I only feel the loss, and the pain is so thick it almost takes my breath away. But I will never regret pouring out all my love to her. Thanks to God’s grace I’ll never look back and wish I’d extended myself a little more. I was all in. And she knew it.
If you would have told me that the chief blessings of my life would be found in the 3 ½ months leading up to my mom’s death, I would have thought you were morbid and crazy. It would have sounded like a spooky and strange cliché. But I can tell you with all my heart that aside from having my children, loving and serving my mom since her diagnosis was the greatest privilege of my life. It was a holy experience, a blessed tragedy. And it’s changed my view of terminal illness and death.
I’ve come back from this battle with a 2-part message: God’s grace and goodness can’t be contained and pre-measured, and you will never regret loving someone. God has blown away any box I tried to put him in, and even in the midst of these terrible choices of caskets and memorial services, he continues to bless my family every day.
In our worst moments and our greatest fears, God wants to show up. Whatever battle you face in your life right now, I pray you reach out to God and let Him into the struggle.
Love deeply. And you’ll have no regrets.
This is far from over…
Grace is what …while I believe God pours is many times in our lives….that is the word I use to describe how my mother lived her last few years….To look at her..losing the ability to speak, or walk…her mind deteriorating but never knowing what she understood and what she didn’t …left some of her children unable to visit or see her like that…and so there was only about 3 or 4 that visited regularly…Although it was difficult myself to see the vital woman she was be so unwell…I would never have wanted to not be there during those years…almost every Sunday …working full time and being about 2 hours away not more frequent . But 2 other sisters would go different times so we weren’t all there at once..(too much information)….What I was going to say is that she lived those years especially under God’s grace..
.And quite some time after she died it seemed God was telling me that she was never alone…Either angels or the Holy Spirit …ministered to her during those days… And that was somehow a comfort I needed to feel.
Your Mom’s illness was very fast and I am so glad that you also had that time with her because it will ease somewhat your loss know that. May you continue to feel his comfort and love during the days and weeks ahead…Diane
“Love deeply. And you’ll have no regrets.” AMEN!
Still praying for you, Lori.
Very sorry for your loss. My thoughts are with you.
That last sentence says it all. I’m so glad you chose to go “all-in”". So many people attempt to stiff arm pain, hide from it because they are afraid of what it will bring. You have found that going through that pain brought you rewards, joy, memories, hope and no regrets. I’m so proud of you.
Lori, you are an inspiration…
As I continue the awkward navigation of renewing my relationship with my mom, I often think of your boldness and am encouraged.
Not many people can say they’ve gone “all-in” as you did. Thanks for paving the way for me.
Denise,
I’m just now finding my way back into the blog world as a reader, and I found this comment of yours.
I have to say that my ability to go ‘all in’ with my mom was completely related to her terminal diagnosis. I struggled so much in my relationship with her prior to October 1st (diagnosis date), and, thankfully, God covered all that was undone, unhealed, and wounds that festered and were still brewing up to that awful date. God was gracious to allow both my mom and me to put everything aside so we could simply enjoy each other.
We weren’t working on boundaries or forgiveness in our relationship. We knew we had little time together and that made everything in this life disappear.
I was able to apologize to her, and she did to me also, and I often wonder what our relationship would have been like if she hadn’t been diagnosed. For whatever divine reasons God has, he blessed us with unprecedented grace and time. And because of him (nothing of myself), I’ll carry those last months with me forever.
I’m looking forward to connecting with you on email again soon. When I stop bawling out of the blue, I plan to face my backed up, neglected emails.
I’d love to see your name in my inbox.
I’m so sorry. I hope the burial was peaceful and everything you need to say goodbye to your mum living; but hello to your mum still taking up residence in your heart xx
I hope the burial was a beautiful memorial to your lovely mother. I’m so sorry you lost her, but she is still watching over you. She must be so proud to have such a wonderful family. I hope that you and your family will remain close after this loss, and thinking of you all at this difficult time. Hugs xxx
You are indeed an inspiration – The love shared with your mother will bring healing and hope to so many and God’s light will continue to shine brightly from that love. You are a very special person and your mother I know is blessed because you are daughter. Hugs – Patty