Last night
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It’s 12:20am and I just finished my black belt candidate exercises on the floor of my parent’s spare bedroom. We have to do them every day, no matter what. It’s technically tomorrow but since I just got home from the hospital being with my mom, I’m counting them for Friday.
Spiritually I feel wrapped in unspeakable grace. I feel peace and energy flowing through me even though my mom’s deterioration progresses. It makes no human sense why I’m not crumbled on the floor. It’s grace through and through, the answered prayers of countless people.
I rushed to San Jose after my dad told me he was taking my mom to the ER again. I made record time in the should-be-stopped-on-the-freeway-for-hours-why-would-you-leave-at-4:20pm-during-Friday-rush-hour traffic. Miraculously, I had only a couple of minutes of a slowed pace; it seemed as though a wall of angels pushed everyone along so I could get to my mom. I listened to Chip Ingram’s Living on the Edge podcasts about pressing on in the face of adversity. It felt like God was putting an invisible and impenetrable armor on me as I drove. God bless Chip Ingram.
My dad and I sat in the ER with my mom as she drifted in and out of consciousness. When my eldest son called and asked to talk with Grandma I nervously put the phone to her mouth. I didn’t want him to be scared that she couldn’t speak, but I told him to hang on.
“Ok, say hi to Grandma, honey. I have you on speaker phone so she can hear you.”
“Hi, Grandma! I love you.”
“Hi, Honey. I love you, too.” she mustered.
That was the most conscious and alert I saw her. From that moment on her condition worsened.
Eventually it got so bad my mom couldn’t swallow and she couldn’t speak to us. The nurse had put a pill in her mouth, but it sat dissolving on her tongue. She sat frozen and just stared in our eyes. I knew she was in there, but was trapped by some unknown force. I moved in closer and said, “I see you, Mom. I know you’re trying.”
I saw her effort. She was really trying to drink it down, but her brain couldn’t make the connection.
I stood with my face about 8 inches from hers and said, “You’re working so hard, Mom. C’mon, just swallow. You can do It. I’m so proud of you.” She nodded and was telling me with her eyes that she just couldn’t swallow it. Finally, I figured out a trick to get her to spit it out.
No more pills for mom.
“That’s ok, Mom. You’re going to be better tomorrow. You’re just tired and dehydrated.”
It was past 11pm and we knew we needed our rest. I can’t describe the feeling of leaving my helpless mom in the hospital. As we were leaving, my dad tried to get her to talk, but she just couldn’t. He said goodbye to her, kissed her, and told her that he loved her and he knew she loved him, too, even though she couldn’t tell him.
These are the moments that rock my daughter’s heart. My dad’s losing the love of his life…and I’m witnessing it.
After he left the room I went to her side and looked into her eyes. “Mom. I love you.” I could tell she was trying to say something but couldn’t. ” Mom. I need to hear you tell me you love me. Please say it before I go.” I pleaded.
” I love you.” She blurted out.
I’ve never heard such a beautiful sound in all my life. I could tell it took enormous effort for her to say those words to me.
” Thank you, Mom. Thank you for telling me. I’ll see you in the morning. You’re going to feel better tomorrow. Just rest, ok?” She nodded and started to gaze passed me, and I knew I’d lost her again.
I floated out of the room with my heart full of joy. This woman blows me away. And God’s peace in what should be the most awful experience blows me away.
It’s a painful tether between wanting her here and wanting her to be with The Lord so she can be whole and well.
We’re praying for a miracle. But I’m learning to add, “Thy will be done.” 4 words of surrender; 4 words that allow me to remain in the moment and fully love, regardless of tomorrow.
All of this reminds me that nothing is more important than love: Our love for God and our love for others. Everything else is futile and meaningless.
May we live today like tomorrow is Heaven.
I am so happy she was able to tell you that she loves you…and you know she does, right? She loves you with all of her heart. xo Sending you hugs.
I am so thankful that you feel peace surrounding you during this difficult time. It’s surely a gift that’s been given to you.
May God be your continued strength and may He hold your mother ‘in the palms of His hands’…Diane
Your mom sounds so incredibly strong- I’m so glad that she was able to give you that wonderful gift and tell you that she loves you- I know that you know that, but sometimes we need to hear the words again. I’m praying for all of you and I do hope today is a better day.
Sending hugs!
Kelly L.
I wanted to give you this : http://utesmile.wordpress.com/2013/01/12/award-time-part-two/
You amaze me. I’m so glad you feel peace wrap around you. You have the prayers of the Saints lifting you and your family up. We will continue to pray for you. Hugs.
You are beautiful and amazing. Thank you for sharing this beautiful story of love and grace.
What a precious time you are sharing with us…beauty amongst the pain….you are amazing Lori!
Thanks, Denise. Your support means a lot to me.
Thanks, Denise
Hi Lori,
Would you mind terribly to put a “Like” button on your posts? If you’re not sure how to do this, you can contact me directly through my “Contact Me” form. The site address is here:
http://robinclaire.wordpress.com/contact-me/
Lots of Love to you buddy,
robin
This must be so difficult for you and your family. You are so kind and loving, your mum must be so proud of you. You and your family are doing really well, and your mum knows you all love her, and she loves you all too. Stay strong. Hugs xxx
Thank you for such kind words. This means a lot to me.
Lori: Your generous heart, sharing and FAITH give others hope. Thank you for giving others strength even while you are facing such pain and grief. Diane
Thank you, Diane.
“It’s a painful tether between wanting her here and wanting her to be with The Lord so she can be whole and well. ” Lori you are always making me cry….as your life and emotions are so similar to mine. This sentece I copied I thought of on Sunday as I heard that my dad was calling his mum, and refused to eat and drink. I thought he is giving up now. He is as good as blind, does not hear, can’t stand up any more, too weak, has no control over his bladder and is mainly in bed. Today th
though the nurses did dress him and took him to lunch, which he ate a bit, but afterwards he was so exhausted he couldn’t even wash his hands alone. It must be so hard being him, not be able to do anything, as he was a fit man. He is not ill but age weakens him so much. So I am glad to have read your post, knowing you have similar thoughts. Let’s pray that the Lord does the right thing! Thinking of you! We can stay strong together! Hug Ute x
Ute, my heart is with you. Yes, let’s encourage each other and pray for God’s timing on these matters. We can’t see everything that goes on in the spirit, so I surrender my ignorance to the One who knows everything and loves us beyond our imagination. Sometimes it feels as if God has forgotten to finish his work, but I keep seeing the blessings he showers on us.
I pray for God’s amazing peace to surround your heart as you walk this same road with your dad. No matter what, this is not the end. It’s just the beginning of everything good and perfect.
Big hugs to you. I’m praying for you in this very minute and will continue to hold you and your dad in my heart.
Keep me posted.
Lori , I will do , I feel comforted by your words and I don’t feel alone with my emotions. I am glad I have you! Thank you so much I am keeping you and your mum in my prayers too! x
His Grace abounds, His Love is unfailing, His strength is perfected in times we are weakest.. Good on you for reminding us and sharing this with us. Blessings & Prayers to you and your family!