After a wonderful evening celebrating the Christmas season with friends tonight, my cell phone rang. It was my sister telling me that my mom is back in the hospital. Just earlier today we were celebrating her last day of radiation treatment. But apparently when she woke up from a rest a few hours ago she couldn’t talk or stand very well, and now they’re in the ER waiting for an MRI so they can see what’s going on in my mom’s brain. It could be swelling from the initial surgery. It could be the fact that they’ve been reducing the steroid meds. Or it could be because the cancer is back. And so in the blink of an eye, my life goes from a moment of joy and happiness to my mom’s life is weighing in the balance again.
This back and forth is sickening. Up and down. She’s feeling great and now she can’t talk or stand. She looks like she’s been healed and now she might be dying. It is maddening. I feel like I can’t stay in both places at the same time anymore. It keeps switching too fast to adjust. Are we crying or are we celebrating? Are we smiling for our family portrait at Thanksgiving or are we wondering if she’ll make it to Christmas? Are we thanking God for healing her or are we thanking Him for these past months together…and then asking Him for the grace to say goodbye. I find myself bargaining with God. Ok, God. If she can’t stay with us, then take her. Stop torturing us, I demand.
I’m jumpy whenever the phone rings. Yes, it could just be a friend calling to have coffee. It could be an annoying telemarketer wanting me to buy the latest cell phone plan. Or it could be my dad telling me my mom’s cancer is back and we will have exited the most beautiful and serene season my family has ever experienced. The Golden Era will fade. And like spring’s last snow on a warm day, all the wonderfulness will be gone. The season will change. And tomorrow will bring everything we feared would come.
I long for her to be healed. My heart is being broken over and over again. I want to be faithful and pray for God’s will to be done, but I’m angry to think that her death could possibly be His will. I don’t want my dad to be alone. I don’t want to watch her die. I don’t want her to disappear from our photo albums and family celebrations. And I don’t want to give a speech at another dang funeral!
I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m desperate. And I want to be with my mom. Being 2 ½ hours away from her is torture.
All I can do is wait and pray. And hold on to everything I know to be true of God.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. They mean more than you’ll ever know.
For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the [j]saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that [k]God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:24-28
This is beautifully written and I really understand what you are feeling, I hope everything turns out okay.
My heart is holding you and I am sending intentions for your peace. Maybe there is a place between the back and forth and up and down…a place of stillness, a place just being…
Wow. I really needed this insight. Thank you so much, Vicki.
My heart goes out to you, your courageous mother and your family. It’s not ever an easy fight.
Thank you. No, it isn’t easy. But we will continue on together. Even though it hurts, I know God will get us through.
It’s so good for you to express all your emotions -and you do it beautifully! I’m sad for your family’s situation but also praise God for His faithfulness in carrying you through whatever happens.
My thoughts are with you….
Thanks, Denise. When I made the commitment to remain brutally honest, I never thought I’d be dealing with my mom having brain cancer. This is challenging me to stay real. Thank you for the permission to remain authentic during this crisis. Love to you.
Lori- I grieve with you. What if one of God’s way of healing is birthing a soul into heaven? It does seem cruel to see anyone, especially those you love, suffer. Someday, God will call me home. He will unzip my earth suit and it will be glorious. I pray that God would give you and your family the hope that you so desperately need. I pray that you would somehow grow from this torturous experience. I pray that God would see you in your pain and come and work a miracle in you. I will continue to pray for you Lori. You are special.
Thank you, Lisa. Your prayers and kind words mean a lot. Yes, I think my mom would be better off in heaven, as we all would be. I’m looking forward to that day. But for now, however painful it is, I’ll trust The Lord to mold and shape me into what He wants. Hugs to you.
There is nothing else I can said, that others have not said. I am so sorry that your mom and all of you are going through this. My love and prayers are with you. Patty