After a wonderful evening celebrating the Christmas season with friends tonight, my cell phone rang. It was my sister telling me that my mom is back in the hospital. Just earlier today we were celebrating her last day of radiation treatment. But apparently when she woke up from a rest a few hours ago she couldn’t talk or stand very well, and now they’re in the ER waiting for an MRI so they can see what’s going on in my mom’s brain. It could be swelling from the initial surgery. It could be the fact that they’ve been reducing the steroid meds. Or it could be because the cancer is back. And so in the blink of an eye, my life goes from a moment of joy and happiness to my mom’s life is weighing in the balance again.
This back and forth is sickening. Up and down. She’s feeling great and now she can’t talk or stand. She looks like she’s been healed and now she might be dying. It is maddening. I feel like I can’t stay in both places at the same time anymore. It keeps switching too fast to adjust. Are we crying or are we celebrating? Are we smiling for our family portrait at Thanksgiving or are we wondering if she’ll make it to Christmas? Are we thanking God for healing her or are we thanking Him for these past months together…and then asking Him for the grace to say goodbye. I find myself bargaining with God. Ok, God. If she can’t stay with us, then take her. Stop torturing us, I demand.
I’m jumpy whenever the phone rings. Yes, it could just be a friend calling to have coffee. It could be an annoying telemarketer wanting me to buy the latest cell phone plan. Or it could be my dad telling me my mom’s cancer is back and we will have exited the most beautiful and serene season my family has ever experienced. The Golden Era will fade. And like spring’s last snow on a warm day, all the wonderfulness will be gone. The season will change. And tomorrow will bring everything we feared would come.
I long for her to be healed. My heart is being broken over and over again. I want to be faithful and pray for God’s will to be done, but I’m angry to think that her death could possibly be His will. I don’t want my dad to be alone. I don’t want to watch her die. I don’t want her to disappear from our photo albums and family celebrations. And I don’t want to give a speech at another dang funeral!
I’m scared. I’m angry. I’m desperate. And I want to be with my mom. Being 2 ½ hours away from her is torture.
All I can do is wait and pray. And hold on to everything I know to be true of God.
Thank you for your prayers and kind words. They mean more than you’ll ever know.
For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? 25 But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it.
26 In the same way the Spirit also helps our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we should, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words; 27 and He who searches the hearts knows what the mind of the Spirit is, because He intercedes for the [j]saints according to the will of God.
28 And we know that [k]God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose. Romans 8:24-28